I have survived the week that I have been dreading for years. In fact, this week forced me to let go of two major things in my life. Thankfully, my intention and positive thinking got me through it better than expected. As I let go of things, I get through the emotions by staying positive that loss brings room for more. As the trees lose their leaves, it opens the possibility that more larger leaves can sprout in their place in the future.
First, my only child headed off to college. I was in fact very excited for her to step out into this new phase of life. I have heard so many stories of empty-nest syndrome and women who sink into depression once their children move out, so I was a bit wary of how the emotions would hit me. I was so thankful that we were able to spend so much time together this summer before she left. And she is only an hour away so it’s not like I can’t or won’t see her often. I’ll admit it felt a little weird to not have her around this week, and of course, all mothers are going to have a natural instinct to worry about if their children are safe when out of their sight. It’s been wonderful hearing her stories of meeting new people and setting her own schedule. I tend to be a bit of a control freak, so I was pleased to hear she was able to navigate everything without my constant help! So this big shift in my life has actually been very positive so far. It was so nice to talk to her on the phone and hear her excitement in sharing her new adventures with me, so I know that while my role in her life will shift, I’m still a very important part of it. We both went into the week with a really positive attitude about her first year in college, and I think it really helped us both let go of each other just enough to feel excited instead of sad about this next phase in our lives.
I also had to say goodbye to something incredibly close to my heart this week. My parents sold the farm where I grew up. Anytime they even mentioned the idea of selling it over the last few years I would break into tears. I can’t explain the special bond I feel to that land. I moved there when I was 5, so almost all of my memories revolve around the farm. In the joyful years before the internet and even cable tv, there was a time when kids just ran around outside from dawn ’til dusk. I had 40 acres of woods and fields and a stream to play in all day. My love of animals and nature and science all started on that land. As a teen, I convinced my parents to buy llamas, and we raised hundreds of llamas on those acres for close to 20 years. I can remember all the births, the deaths, the hard work, and days just spent sitting out there watching them graze. I came home every single weekend from college because I wanted to be there with the animals. Once the decision was made to sell it about a year ago, I committed to walking around the woods with my dogs every single day until it was sold. I think we only missed a few days due to lightning, but we walked even when there was a foot of snow on the ground, days it was raining, and days when the heat index was near 100. I wanted that land to know how much I loved it. I have hugged the trees and caressed the leaves on all my walks. I have said hello to the birds and small mammals that dart about. I wanted my energy to forever be connected to that land.
As a young child, I would go out to the woods whenever I was scared or sad. It just had such healing energy. I remember crying for days when the county made us cut a path through the middle for a drainage pipe and so many trees were plowed down. Those trees felt like a part of me that were being taken away from me. Even at such a young age, I understood my connection to all living things. I told my family to spread my ashes on that farm if I was ever to pass away. So my heart and soul were truly attached to that land. I just always assumed I would retire there and keep the land in our family for generations. Even when I moved out, I moved to a farm only a mile away so I would always be close. But alas, it was their decision to make, and I accepted that they made the choice that they felt was best. A lot of tears have been shed on those walks as the closing date approached, and this week I took my last walk. It is very hard living so close to it and knowing that I can no longer go there. I have fought a lot of urges in this last year to move far, far away so the loss would hurt less.
As I sat in the middle of the woods while saying goodbye, I just kept saying out loud “I love you.” I apologized to the land that I was not able to take over ownership. (Yes, this sale triggered a lot of feelings of inadequacy that I will continue to work on for years to come) Thankfully the new owner has no plans to remove those beautiful trees and animals which helped calm some of my sadness. I had planned to find a small rock to keep as a reminder of the land. I had almost given up on finding one when I saw one under a tree as I was leaving the woods. It sits on my desk as a reminder that if the Universe was taking something so special from me, it must have much bigger plans in store for me. This thought is what got me through this week. The Universe closed the door on one future possibility, so there must be a better one behind another door. I don’t know what it is, but I have faith that something even better is coming my way.
Even though I may never see the inside of the house or barns or woods again, it doesn’t mean that I lose all of the memories I had there. My memories can never be lost or taken away. It hurts to lose the physical things in life like people and houses and animals, but they do live on forever in our hearts and minds. I’m sure a few more tears will be shed in the coming weeks, but I just hold on to the faith of something bigger coming. Hopefully, as I’m able to move past this loss, I’ll be a bit more focused on this blog again. I don’t choose to live in past, so I will continue to move forward with positivity.
I had always planned to lay in the backyard for a few moments before leaving for the last time. And as I laid there sobbing and telling myself I just didn’t want to go, I asked for a sign that everything would be ok. It was a bright sunny day with almost no wind, but out of nowhere I heard a huge tree break in half and crash to the ground just inside the woods close to me! It was this crazy sign that the land knew I had to go and wanted to say goodbye. You may not believe in signs, but I’m telling you that I do and it will bring me peace as I accept what is, appreciate what used to be, and look forward to what the future will bring. I do believe everything happens for a reason, and I do believe that some day I will own a woods of my own!
Thanks for bearing with me this summer as I’ve been quieter and have moved through these changes. Any suggestions for what the next version of Colleen should be? I’m going to have a lot more time and energy to give to you all. So let me know how I can be of service to you!
“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.”
― Sonia Ricotti
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