While this title might make you think I’m talking about the current situation in our US government, it’s actually about something you can control. Setting goals and creating positive habits are ways of trying to keep ourselves accountable. Goals and habits can lead us to make lasting, positive changes in our lives. When we don’t follow through on our promises to ourselves, however, then we are in fact lying to ourselves. If you say, I’m going to get up early to exercise, but then you decide not to, you have lied to yourself. How would you feel about a friend that constantly kept breaking their plans with you? How would you feel towards and employee that kept missing their deadlines at work? Would you stay with a significant other who never made time for you? It’s no wonder so many people say they “hate themselves” when we often continue to lie to ourselves day-after-day.
When you break promises to yourself, you create a feeling of distrust. This is how so many people create self-hatred or feelings of disappointment within themselves. It’s easy to just say you will never set another goal, but of course, you wouldn’t want to do that! So how can you stop the lies? First, set realistic goals! Don’t jump in and commit to working out an hour every day if you haven’t worked out at all in the last few months. Start small with committing to 10 min walks three times a week, or commit to doing an online workout once a week. As soon as you start building up the trust with yourself, you will continue to be more motivated to set larger goals. A great suggestion is to set SMART goals – specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and timely. So you can see the examples that I gave above are smart goals because they can be easily measured and have a time limit on them and they are achievable. After you have had success the first week, then the second week you can change the goal to 15 min walks, or a 10 min walk four times a week. Soon, you will build up to a larger goal (working out consistently) that might have been too much to commit to early on or wasn’t specific enough, which could have led you to not achieve it and create that feeling of distrust. Again, if you make the goals achievable, then you are less likely to abandon them. I’m not going to lie, early on in my fitness journey there was a time that I told myself I just had to put on my workout clothes each day. I knew I was far more likely to just get up and move if I already had my clothes on for it. It was an easy goal to achieve early on, and if I ended up actually working out, then that was even better! I set myself up for success from the beginning.
Second, try not to set goals that you don’t feel completely committed to making. The best goals will have a “why” attached to them, and they come from a place of self-motivation versus what someone else wants you to do. So if you set a goal to reorganize your closet because you want to feel more peace when you go in to pick out an outfit each morning, you are more likely to stick to it, versus if you tell yourself you have to reorganize your closet because your mom is coming for a visit and you don’t want her to make a comment about how messy it is. While fear or shame can be quite motivating sometimes, they usually don’t lead to the best results or results that last. New Year’s resolutions are often made because people feel like they need to do something, but unless there is really a personal driving force to commit to it, then many people give up on them within days or weeks. When I hear people say I’m going to start eating better next week, or I’ll work out tomorrow, I can often tell they are not committed to their goal. So don’t set that goal until you are 100% ready to start. Otherwise, Monday rolls around and you have a stressful day at work and down a pint of ice cream and a bag of chips that night and skip your walk and say, well, I’ll just start tomorrow or next week. It’s OK to say, I intend to start a diet soon, versus setting a date you know you might not stick to. It is far better to tell yourself you intend to do something without a set date until you are ready to really commit to action. For years I “intended” to become a vegetarian, and then one day it just clicked for me. So I kept telling myself what I wanted, but I didn’t get upset with myself when I would accidentally order pepperoni pizza instead of cheese one day. Once I was ready, it was easy for me to make that commitment and not lie to myself. Good intentions will help lead you to change when you are ready.
Third, if the goal is something you are really, really passionate about but still afraid you might not follow thru with action, find an accountability buddy. You can do anything from hiring a coach (hey, I’m more than happy to be your coach), or set a goal with someone else that you wouldn’t want to let down, check-in with a friend once a week to share your progress, or even make your goal public and let your friends follow your journey and cheer you on through social media. You are less likely to lie to someone else. It’s so easy for us to lie to ourselves, but knowing that someone else might feel let down if we don’t follow thru can be a strong motivator, especially when it a really positive and uplifting person (please choose your accountability buddy wisely) has agreed to help keep you on track. You likely have a long history of lying to yourself, so it’s pretty easy to ignore when you do it once again, but if you have to admit that you lied to someone else, you are going to think twice about not taking the action.
What goals have you been lying to yourself about? Maybe it’s time to be happy with where you are right now and stop the lies which are making it worse. See the difference between going to bed thinking – ugh, another day that I didn’t work out, versus – hey, at least I got in that quick walk after dinner even though I didn’t feel like it at the time. One leaves you with that feeling of unhappiness, despair, and upset and the other is a feeling of achievement, success, and pride. If you know you can’t keep a commitment to your goals right now, give yourself a pass so you don’t live in that negativity day after day. I personally set a goal to create a podcast well over a year ago. Well, talk is cheap, and I never set SMART goals for it. It was just always there and another week would go by and I’d feel bad about not taking any action towards that goal. So for a few months, I gave myself a pass and decided that when the time was right then I would commit to it. Well, this week I set a goal to do one small thing or research or learn something that would help me each day, and I have kept my commitment to it. I go to bed feeling proud that I finally started hitting my goals. So who knows, in a few weeks or a month, I might just have something to share!
You deserve to have a great relationship with yourself. If you wouldn’t lie to someone else, try not to lie to yourself. When you are ready to commit, then set that goal and give it a “why.” Tell someone about your goal and ask them to help you achieve it. Once you can trust yourself again, you will be amazed at what you can accomplish! I’m here if you need me! Let me know what goals you are ready to set or ready to give up for now.
Stay safe. Shine bright. Spread love.
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